Shopping for One

Walking through the grocery store, you can tell I'm shopping for one by the items in my cart. Mine as well have a sign plastered across my forehead that said "single and ready to mingle." I continue to walk hastily down the aisle ohhhhing and ahhing at the latest wine bottles each sitting in their glass-box freezers, all laden with equally as pretty labels that feign expensive taste. "Two-for-one Special" signage really ruins the connoiseur aspect of my adventure. I'm not a wine-connoiser, nor do I pretend to be. I just need a cheap bottle of vintage grapes to get me through Sleepless in Seattle for the 112th time. Back to Twentysomething.

Sign number one that she's single- she's a) dressed in business casual feigning importance as to signal to everyone including the 18 year old stock boy in the cereal aisle that "Yes, I'm single, but I'm fine with that because I'm an important business woman." (Yeah right. I secretly spend what money I have left after paying rent and bills on a $20 slutty dress from Forever 21 hoping that this time, it might just get me a boyfriend.....oh, how naiive we (I) can be.

b) She's dressed in workout clothes, a dewey forhead, and enough endorphins to make her plastic smiles seem the effect of plastic surgery gone awry. Workout clothes suggest, "Hey, I'm an athletic, healthy girl who occasionally binges on low-fat graham crackers." Come and get 'em boys.

c) The items in my cart couldn't BE any more evidence than is needed. Even a blind two-year old could sense the desperation oozing from my "Lower in sugar Maple Brown Sugar oatmeal." Seriously, who eats that kind of shit, only single twentysomethings. I GUARANTEE you.